Feeling a little torn lately

I have been feeling a little torn lately.

I love blogging, it is very fun for me to be able to post my ideas and recipes. However finding the time is proving to be rather difficult in this season in my life.

I have 4 kids, ages 9, 7, 4 and almost 10 months. To say I am busy is an understatement.

The kids are in public schools. Two are in the elementary school and one in preschool. So with that comes volunteering opportunities for each one.

I work part time outside of the home. So that means that 2 days one week and 3 the next I am not at home for about 10 hours.

In the evening at any given time, we have homework, soccer, basketball, Brownies, student council, choir and time to play in there.

My husband and I try to find some time during the week for some one on one quality time. This could be as simple as having an adult conversation without the interruption of the kids.

I have to clean the house, make sure we have clean clothes, take the kids to the doctor and dentist appointments. I cook and bake as much from scratch as I possibly can. I do all the grocery shopping. I make all our own homemade cleaners and baby wipes as well.

You see I find my self almost competing with the full  time stay at home moms. Not competing as in I want to be like them, but competing as in I try to fit as much into my week as a stay at home mom does.

And I feel like I am failing miserably at everything.

To be honest, most days I wish I could be a stay at home mom, so I could bake, clean and cook all day. But that isn't all that being a mom is about. Yes it is great to do those things. But kids who eat nuggets and fries everyday grow up to be fine. But then there are also the rare day where the kids drive me crazy and I want  to go into work.

Am I doing these things strictly because I enjoy them, or because I want my family to eat better, healthier food.

Lately I have been cranky, I know it, my kids know it, everybody knows it. I have been struggling with back pain this last week or so, much worse than usual. So that is making me cranky.

I am tired, plain and simple. I have not been getting alot of sleep, due to my little guy having 4 ear infections in less than 4 months. And due to him teething. Plus the back stated above.

At night when I should probably be going to bed early even though it hurts my back to sleep, I am up watching tv, reading or working on my blog.

In short, I am wondering if I am trying to do too many things. At the end of the day, I want to be the best mom and wife I can be, isn't that what being married and having kids is all  about?

How to do this I do not know.  But I have been trying out a few things. Like not using as many coupons. I simply do not have the time to run all over town. I have been going to Aldi plus one other store every other week or so.

Yes, I am missing out on the deals. But the deals should not come at a price to your family.

I have been thinking about quitting the blog. I do love it but finding the time feels almost selfish. Should I feel selfish for doing something I love? Doing something you love  is supposed to make you a better person. And that is supposed to make you a better mom right?

And so I struggle. Struggle with what to do and what not to do.

Today I am having a very heavy heart. Maybe from my back not feeling well, maybe from being tired. Or maybe because I yelled one to many times at my girls. Today was a snow day and we didn't really do anything fun. And I feel really guilty about it.

Over the next several weeks I am going to try and simplify things. This will probably include cutting out tv, even though I only watch about 3 hours a week. It might include discontinuing this blog, or at the very least, not posting daily.

Anyone else ever feel like this? Like they are burning their candles from both ends? I would love to hear from you. And I appreciate you listening to me.

This post links to Finer Things Friday.